A Year at a Glance

2013 has easily been one of the best and most special years of my whole life. This year was full of self discovery, learning, and love. Never before have I been blessed in so many ways so very quickly.  Reflecting back on this year my heart is very full or gratitude and love for all those who surround me. I am so extremely blessed. In this post, I will make a list of some of the things that happened this year that have changed and Inspired ime the most.

1. I met the man of my dreams. As cheesy as that may sound, it is completely true. I met someone who accepts all parts of me fully and loves me even when I am flawed or broken. He has helped me through some extremely difficult times and he does so with strength and love. He provides comfort and love when I need it most. Not only all of that, but he as taught me what it means to truly love someone with charity and forgiveness. He exceeds all descriptions and dreams I ever had in the man I  would marry. (Which brings us to my next point)

2. I got engaged to my very best friend and love! As we enter this new year, I can hardly contain my excitement that we will be married this year. I can't imagine going on this adventure with anyone else. I am a very lucky girl.

3. I graduated from SLCC with an associates of English
4. I moved 3.5 hours away for school. It is hard being away, but I am so grateful for this opportunity. Not only have I received incredible education, but I have also learned to be independent and strong on my own.

5. I lost a beautiful friend and sister. Shelbey was on dance company with me and I loved her dearly. She was an incredibly loyal friend who could always make you laugh. I miss her terribly and think of her beatiful spirit often. Shelbey has taught me to love everyone around you fully because there may come a day where they won't be there anymore. She also taught me to love others and embrace all the good and bad within them. I have never met someone with the capacity to love and see the good in everyone quite like she did. I will never forget the beautiful impact she had on me and my life. Love you, Shelbs.

6. I spent my last Christmas at home. Although this saddens me to  think I'll probably never wake up with my siblings on christmas morning, I am so excited for the next chapter in my life.

7. From watching the divorce of my parents, I was able to realize exactly what I wanted my marriage to be like and what I did not want. Although many of the experiences that led to these realizations are much too personal to share, they have made a huge impact on my choices and decisions.
8. I gained much for confidence and self esteem. I leaned to value my spirit and body. I also lost about 30 lbs and became much more healthy and efficient. I learned the value of exercise and healthy eating,
9. My patience was tested as I worked for a nanny this summer. I learned how hard motherhood is and I also learned unconditional love and care. I was able to get a grip on my temper and frustration and channel it into ways of getting after them that were much more loving and considerate. Although we had many rough days, I wouldn't change that experience for anything.

10. I passed my chemistry class with a a B! I know, it seems silly but I learned a lot from it- and not about chemistry. I became very aware that even when things are difficult for me or completely out of my comfort zone, I able to face them head on if I work hard and put in sufficient effort. Chemistry made me study a lot because it is just not a subject that comes naturally for me like English does. I became very aware that I am able to do hard things.

This year turned out to be much more than I could ever imagine and I know 2014 has even more in store for me. I am so excited for this new chapter and also to start my new adventure  in life. I will be in my last year of school and I will be moving to a new place. I will also be getting new jobs and working while in school. As hectic as this all sounds, I can hardly wait because I will have my best friend by my side and I will then share his last name (: 

I wish all of you the best in this new year and I hope that you will be blessed and inspired to be better and do good. 

Lessons From Fitzgerald

    It is no secret that I completely love (even that is an understatement) The Great Gatsby  by F. Scott Fitzgerald. I find Fitzgerald, as a person, to be extremely intriguing and also brilliant. Yes, he may just write words that sound pretty (or so some people may think), but they are saturated with meaning and commentary on the human condition.
     My love for his work began my junior year of high school. For my AP language and composition class, we read The Great Gatsby. Amidst all the sour attitudes and closed minds not willing to delve into the pages and extract beauty and meaning, I fell in love. I have always loved to read, but this was very different. I grew up reading adventures that sparked my imagination like Harry Potter, A series of Unfortunate Events, tons of historical fiction, Little House on the Prairie, and even Judy Blume and Beverly Cleary book. I loved reading and my experiences with books were just beginning. After reading this book, I fell in love with words and literary devices that could be used so skillfully and beautifully that they could touch even that saddest and hardest souls. Suddenly books became much more than entertainment or a pass time. They became new ways of thinking, new perspectives, and even more knowledge.
     During my first year of college at SLCC, I took a class called Intro to Critical Theory. I had a great professor who happened to be the only professor I truly liked during my studies there. I was lucky enough to have her both semesters, but in this class particularly my ways of thinking and seeing were altered completely. We learned about all sorts of critical lenses that could be sued to analyze and understand literature such as structuralism, deconstruction, genders studies, queer theory, colonialism, and new historicism. Some of these ideas were difficult for me to wrap my mind around at first, but I was able to learn far more than I ever expected. During our last bit in the course, we were asked to choose a book that we love and have a close relationship with to explicate through any of these lenses. I chose The Great Gatsby from a feminist lens and it was so intriguing. I could go on and on about all that I learned and became aware of it the book, but that is not the point of this post.
     During this project especially, I learned how much writing can relate to our own lives and also how much we can learn from it. Any quality piece of literature (and literature by definition implies the piece is quality) will correctly display the human condition, or is other words the ways human live, react, and also why they do these things. I suddenly became hyper aware of the fact that books aren't just stories, but they are lessons for us or things that can open our minds and lead us to improved ways of thinking and conducting ourselves. This is why I chose to study English and this is also why I love to read as much as I do.
    Now, the purpose of this post is not for me to express my love for writing and reading. The proceeding words acted as merely background knowledge for what I am going to write next. In the first chapter of The Great Gatsby, the narrator Nick Carrwaway says a line that has always stuck with and of lately, seems to be quite fitting.

 

     I have never been much of a judgmental person as I quite dislike conflict and I have also been on the negative side of judgment. I think both sides are negative, so maybe its better fit to say on the receiving end. Like all people I have made unfair judgments in weak moments and like in everything, I always have room to improve. However, this quote speaks of much more than just placing judgments. To me, this quote implies that we should always see the best in people. If we do not judge, we have infinite hope in that person that they are good or that they can become better. Anyone who is familiar with this book knows of the many shady actions of the characters. There are drugs, affairs, lies, and other things that are not positive or right. Nick is exposed to all of these negative traits and actions yet he holds onto the idea that they mean well or that they will get better.

     It is easy to judge someone who had wronged us but it is hard to disregard the behavior. Now, I am no saying that because someone is mean to you or acts poorly that you need to be their best friend or let them into your life fully if you know they can and probably still will hurt you. I am saying that you can walk ways and realize that it is their live, and it is not your place to judge. All you can do is pray for them or help them, and hope that someday they will realize their actions and that they will have a change of heart to make changes and fixes. I also think that forgiveness goes hand in hand with this concept. Forgiveness does not mean letting someone who has hurt you or broke your heart or spirit back into your life, it just means you let it go and are able to accept it and move on with your own life.



  Hope in all things can bring happiness and faith to your life. Whether you are religious or not, I do believe that faith and hope in one thing or another, whether it be God or a higher power, will improve your life and help you to see good where there is bad. One thing I have learned over the past few years of struggle has been to have hope because no mater how awful things get, there is always something better ahead.

We're Engaged!!!

By now I'm sure you all know that Marty and I are engaged!! I am so excited and I wanted to write a blog post about it and about my amazing fiancé! (As if I haven't posted enough already)

     Obviously, I knew that a proposal was in the works but I honestly wasn't expecting it until sometime during Christmas. Somewhere in the back of my mind I knew it was a possibility, but I really didn't think it would happen so soon. Needless to say, Marty COMPLETELY surprised me. He did so good! All I can say is that I am one incredibly lucky girl!
     Marty picked me up Wednesday night to spend Thanksgiving with him and his cute family in Evanston. I was so excited just to see him and couldn't wait to spend the holiday with him. Wednesday night was pretty normal as we just spent time with his family. We went to bed and said goodnight. Marty told he wanted to get up around 8 or 8:30 which is so early for him! I didn't even question it though because he said then we could spend the morning with his family. Knowing it takes Marty all of about ten minutes to get ready, I woke up earlier so that I would be ready too. Around 9:00 or so we were ready.
     Marty asked if I wanted to go on an adventure and this still didn't seem odd to me. Lately, we have been talking about all the adventures we want to have, big and small, to make memories and spend some good quality time together. Of course I agreed so we went on our way. We stopped at Maverick to get some hot chocolate because it was pretty chilly outside. After that, we stopped at Bear River State park. We had a picnic here once before, so it was nothing out of the ordinary. When we got there, he pointed out the elk who, in fact, where not there. Later I found out he was just trying to distract me from seeing his sister's car in the parking lot.
     We started walking and talking. Anyone who knows Marty and I knows that we like to be incredibly goofy and silly. We have so much fun being that way! Marty kept trying to convince me that there were moose and wolves that might be lurking around. I didn't believe him, but we had fun joking about it and laughing. As we walked hand in hand, I couldn't help but think for blessed I am to have him in my life. We kept walking and it was quiet for a few short seconds. To our left was a bench with balloons, flowers, and a blanket draped across it. You would think I saw it coming now, right? Well, not quite. The thought crossed my mind but I soon shut it out and convinced myself otherwise.
     "It looks like someone had a party," I muttered without much thought. Marty laughed and led me to the bench to sit down. He said something like, "here, you like purple take these." My response was a very confused, "Are these even ours?" Marty laughed and nodded. He reached into his pocket and pulled out a note. I read it and was filled with love and gratitude. This note was by far the sweetest thing I had ever read and it brought me to tears. The back said, "Will you marry me?" and there was a box that said yes and a box that said no. You may think its cheesy or silly, but it meant the world to me. When Marty asked me to be his girlfriend, he slipped a note into my subway wrapper that asked if I would be all his with the same two boxes. As tears of complete happiness escaped my eyes, he got on one knee and asked me to marry him. Of course I said yes, and there has been a constant smile on my face since.
     Also, he had his sister and her husband take pictures and video the whole thing!!! So cute huh? They turned out so cute!
     I seem to be at a loss for words when I try to express how happy and excited I am. I feel so incredibly blessed and I cant wait for our future together. I think its safe to say that I had the best Thanksgiving of my life (:

Be an Audrey. Be grateful.

     Audrey Hepburn once said, "The most important thing is to enjoy your life- to be happy- its all that matters." Obviously in our somewhat rational sense of thinking, we are all aware that we are given responsibilities and that sometimes, our own happiness is not even half as important as the happiness of the ones we love. I tend to be a giving person; so much that I sometimes lose sight of what I want or forget to love and take care of myself- mostly emotionally. Its good to give, isn't it? I always thought that service, being a good person, and kindness to others was far more important than my own happiness.
     Wrong! I know for a fact that all of these things are essential to shape our lives and make us good people, but I know I cant do any of these things without being happy. How on earth can one be kind or selflessly serve another when they are angry or not happy with themselves or the life they are leading? The answer is they can't. Yes, they can serve and be kind, but its not the selfless love and giving that we are taught as young kids and all throughout our lives. This principle was stressed quite often for me in church and young women's. Despite your religious beliefs, this is true. If you are not happy, how can you serve others and better yet, how can you love another?
     Since I have moved away for school, I get feelings of loneliness, sadness, longing for the future, and other negative feelings. I have cried more times than I can count out of frustration, stress, and missing loved ones back home. I've felt alone and small in the vastness of our world. I've felt scared, inadequate, and even undeserving. From the sounds of all this negative energy, you would think I was really unhappy with me life, right?  Sometimes I think, "why am I even here? I should have gone to school closer to home." or "why me?" I do not feel happy in these overwhelming moments, but I do know how to find happiness. If I want to feel happy, I think of everything I am grateful for. (which is so much) So now in the spirit of thanksgiving, I will tell you ten things I am grateful for, in no particular order.

1. My completely wonderful and amazing boyfriend. (its not all cheesy, promise) It is the best and most satisfying feeling to know that you have someone who loves you and will be there for you no matter what, and also that you will do the same for them. Its simply lovely to be in love, but even more so when its your best friend.

2. My freaking crazy family! I know, maybe crazy isn't a nice word to use, but I mean it in the nicest way possible. I love their goofiness and humor. I love how I know I can go home anytime or turn to them for anything and they will be more than happy to help.

3. Education. Ok, I hate homework. Really, I hate it a lot, but I LOVE learning! I love expanding my mind and being able to open my heart and mind to new ideas and ways of thinking.

4. Books!!! Self-explanatory.

5. Writing. I write to better understand myself, to find joy, and to be better. Its the best therapy for me.

6. My body. We've had a rough road, and I haven't always been nice to it, but I am grateful for the body that I have. Because of it, I have learned the importance of exercise and good nutrition.

7. Boots. Superficial, yes, but I really am quite grateful for boots. I love them mostly because of how stinkin cute they are. And also, they keep your feet warm and dry.

8. Disneyland. No explanation needed.

9. Service. How amazing is it that we can work as instruments of God to help others while bettering ourselves? If you want to feel inspired or fulfilled, I recommend you do some service.

10. Pretty flowers, only because they are lovely and remind me to take in the small, simple things in life.

     Sometimes remembering what we are grateful for is all we need to boost our attitudes and to be happy. Every one of us is loved and blessed more than we will ever know. Remember that, and you will be happy. Be an Audrey. Be grateful.

Learning Confidence

Disclaimer- this is a really personal post and I am a bit hesitant to even post it, but I hope what I say can inspire and help someone else.

Anyone who knows me well can tell you that I am shy when I first meet people, and also that I have always struggled with self esteem. I often look down on myself and pick out everything I think is "wrong with me." I use this phrase loosely because most of these thoughts are things I have been taught to be "wrong" by our harsh society and evil world. Everyone has faults of course, but it does not mean we are worthless or not normal. One thing I have been working on since I moved away is how to love myself as I am while trying to become better. This process has proven difficult and much more consuming than I thought. Because I take a lot of writing classes, I get a lot of criticism and suggestions of improvement from my peers about my writing. This was hard at first because I loved my writing and I thought it was good.  True, it wasn't bad, but there is ALWAYS room for improvement. I always felt bad or embarrassed when someone told me to fix this or change that but now, I embrace it. This can also apply to how I see myself.  One thing I have always struggled with is weight. Lucky me got genes from both sides of the family that cause my body to hold onto everything I eat. Ok, thats probably and exaggeration but I have to work much harder to stay in shape than most. After high school I quite dancing, I got a job at Coldstone (ice cream makes you fat friends, but it is yummy), and I didn't work out because I still had back pain from a lower lumbar sprain I had in high school. All excuses and non of which I should have let win, but I did. I also had a lot of stress with my family circumstances and long story short my body changed a lot. I was really unhappy and felt really bad about myself. So enough of this negative energy, because this is not what this post is about.  Of course, no one said much because its not really a nice thing to say. I started running in about June or July, but quit in August with the stress of moving away and the death of my friend. When I moved away, I had finally had enough. I got a gym membership and completely changed my eating habits. Of course, now my body is changing in a good way. Almost 25 lbs lighter and I feel so much better ad more motivated to keep going. However, this did not just affect my outer appearance. My mind and ways of thinking are completely altered. Before now, I never knew how strong I really am. Excuses, pain, barriers, and anything else we use to justify why you cant do something is just all in our minds. Really though, what do we have to be afraid of? Yes, we may make a mistake or fail on our first try or even have others judge us. But honestly, who really cares? If you get anything out of this post, I hope that you can come to an understanding that what you do in times of hardship and how you react to adversity is what defines you, not your failures or others perceived opinions. We all have flaws and weaknesses, but embrace them and try to make them strengths. We are all just humans trying to figure out who we are and what we should do for a better life and to better ourselves. I know now that I am important, have worth, am strong, and that I am pretty. Society does not define you. Every one has beauty, you just need to look for it. I still struggle with self worth and confidence, but I am so happy to say that it is coming along. School and a healthier lifestyle have changed every aspect of my life. Confidence is worth learning.

 

An Introduction: The Begining of Something Beautiful

Friends and Family,
I finally decided I needed a blog so that I can post about all of the completely amazing things I am learning while at school. Much of what I post will be personal and will relate directly to my life and experiences. Also, I will post thoughts and ideas that are my own. Sometimes they are just conclusions I have come to, or things I find important. The world thrives on healthy discussion and disagreement, so feel free to post your thoughts or opinions. (: As an English major, many of my classes look deeper into the humanities and the human condition both of which are opening my heart and mind much more than I ever expected. Southern Utah University is a great school to attend (well at least for my major) that I have come to love. I feel incredibly blessed to have this amazing opportunity to attend school and also to be doing what I love. My professors are simply lovely and I love absorbing everything they have to teach me. College is absolutely wonderful! Feel free to follow along and enjoy.