Anyone who knows me well can tell you that I am shy when I first meet people, and also that I have always struggled with self esteem. I often look down on myself and pick out everything I think is "wrong with me." I use this phrase loosely because most of these thoughts are things I have been taught to be "wrong" by our harsh society and evil world. Everyone has faults of course, but it does not mean we are worthless or not normal. One thing I have been working on since I moved away is how to love myself as I am while trying to become better. This process has proven difficult and much more consuming than I thought. Because I take a lot of writing classes, I get a lot of criticism and suggestions of improvement from my peers about my writing. This was hard at first because I loved my writing and I thought it was good. True, it wasn't bad, but there is ALWAYS room for improvement. I always felt bad or embarrassed when someone told me to fix this or change that but now, I embrace it. This can also apply to how I see myself. One thing I have always struggled with is weight. Lucky me got genes from both sides of the family that cause my body to hold onto everything I eat. Ok, thats probably and exaggeration but I have to work much harder to stay in shape than most. After high school I quite dancing, I got a job at Coldstone (ice cream makes you fat friends, but it is yummy), and I didn't work out because I still had back pain from a lower lumbar sprain I had in high school. All excuses and non of which I should have let win, but I did. I also had a lot of stress with my family circumstances and long story short my body changed a lot. I was really unhappy and felt really bad about myself. So enough of this negative energy, because this is not what this post is about. Of course, no one said much because its not really a nice thing to say. I started running in about June or July, but quit in August with the stress of moving away and the death of my friend. When I moved away, I had finally had enough. I got a gym membership and completely changed my eating habits. Of course, now my body is changing in a good way. Almost 25 lbs lighter and I feel so much better ad more motivated to keep going. However, this did not just affect my outer appearance. My mind and ways of thinking are completely altered. Before now, I never knew how strong I really am. Excuses, pain, barriers, and anything else we use to justify why you cant do something is just all in our minds. Really though, what do we have to be afraid of? Yes, we may make a mistake or fail on our first try or even have others judge us. But honestly, who really cares? If you get anything out of this post, I hope that you can come to an understanding that what you do in times of hardship and how you react to adversity is what defines you, not your failures or others perceived opinions. We all have flaws and weaknesses, but embrace them and try to make them strengths. We are all just humans trying to figure out who we are and what we should do for a better life and to better ourselves. I know now that I am important, have worth, am strong, and that I am pretty. Society does not define you. Every one has beauty, you just need to look for it. I still struggle with self worth and confidence, but I am so happy to say that it is coming along. School and a healthier lifestyle have changed every aspect of my life. Confidence is worth learning.
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