"You're not a sad story. You're Alive"

     If you haven't read or seen The Perks of Being a Wallflower, I highly suggest you do so. I read the book quite awhile back and I also saw the film when it came out. My sweet fiancé bought both the novel and the film for me for my birthday. I still need to reread the book, but upon watching the movie a couple times since I received it, I was completely touched. Never in my life has a book or film touched me in this way and that's saying something because I've read a lot of books and seen a lot of movies. This story is beautiful and it fits into my life so seamlessly. I am about to share with you some of the hardest times in my life. I wont go into to lots of details, but what I am going to write is very personal and hard. I neglect writing about it or talking about it because at times, it still rips me apart insides and makes me hurt more than I thought possible. I hope that through my sharing you, too, can find peace and comfort through hard times.


    My life hasn't been easy, and even that makes is sound nice. I know pain so deep that I could hardly move. I know what it feels like to be made fun of, to be bullied, to be alone, and to feel abandoned. I know what its like to fall asleep with tears in your eyes and the doubts of not being able to make it another day floating around in your head. I know what it feels like to be pushed and prodded because you're and easy target. I know what it feels like to watch your family fall apart. I know what it feels like to watch people you love fall apart.  I know how badly life can hurt.
     In my life, I have always struggled at making good friends. For some reason I always tend to be friends with people who belittled me and made me feel like they were better than me. Why I did this to myself I will never know, but I did. I remember one instance where someone was questioning why I was talking to another girl. They didn't know I was listening but her response was, "Its because neither of them have any friends," I was hurt. Here was a girl I looked up to that had no respect for me as a person. I continued to hear little biting comments her and her friends would make about me. I didn't see it at the time, but there was a small scale of emotional bullying going on. Even to my face, they would correct every little thing about me and always tell me that I wasn't good enough. I would hide the hurt form everyone, even my family because I didn't want them to know how hard it was. I didn't want people to know that people didn't like me and that they were mean. Still, I endured and tried to be nice because I thought that was right. Turns out, I was wrong.
    I have many times been the backlash of other peoples hurt feelings or anger. I watched people I loved and who I thought were supposed to love me lash out on me like I was an awful human being. I have made plenty of mistakes just like everyone else but I was and sometimes still am under constant attack for trying to do my best. I have been pushed to my limits many times simply because I wasn't doing what they thought I should or what they wanted me to do. I watched my self esteem dwindle down to almost nothing as I tried and tired to pick myself back up every time they pushed me down. It was exhausting and I was losing terribly.
     At one point I didn't only have others working against me, but I had myself; and I still do have both of these forces working against me. I constantly pick at myself. If someone thinks less of me or says something rude, I think its my fault and that I deserve the harsh treatment. When I feel bad, I feel worse because I feel bad that I feel bad. I feel a constant need to apologize for being myself and doing what I want to with my life. I always feel like I am walking on eggshells to please others because I don't want to offend anyone. Really though, someone will always be offended by your choices.
     Lately, it seems to have been getting worse. For a short period I thought I had a grasp on things only to regress back to how I used to be. I worry a lot about things I cant control and I always blame myself when others chose to speak unkind words to or about me or when they act harshly towards me. Its easy to fall into this trap, isn't it? I know what I'm feeling is bad because I know God loves us. Yes, we will feel sad and defeated no matter what but when we feel like we are worthless, that is Satan speaking to us. However, most of the time I don't know how to stop it. I find myself feeling so inadequate that I cry and hurt because I feel like its my fault I'm being treated this way. As hard as it is, I know deep down that I'm not. How others choose to treat me is reflection of them and not of myself. How others chose to act is not my fault. If you are being treated poorly and unkindly for no apparent reason, its not your fault either.

This relates so much to the story I talked about earlier.

    The protagonist, Charlie, has also had a pretty terrible life. He has been coping with depression and at one point even tried to take his own life. He has even been sexually abused by his aunt which he hides form his family. When she dies, he feels responsible for her death because she was going to buy his birthday present and also because he wanted her to die. Although my life hasn't been this bad, I can relate. In the end, Charlie says something absolutely beautiful.

 

    

 

     When I heard this line, a huge light clicked on for me. Isn't it amazing how we get answers to prayers in the least expected ways? Suddenly I realized that even though all these awful things have happened to me, I'm still alive. I also realized that its ok to feel this way. Its not my fault that I've had a rough road with the things my family has gone through and its not my fault when people choose to be mean to me. I cant control that. To heal, I have to feel the hurt but I have to cope with it and learn to recover. I need to rely on my loved ones and my Heavenly Father to help me carry this burden I've been given. I'm not my experiences and I get to chose who I want to be. I have come a long way with myself, but I still have such a long ways to go. But its ok because I get to learn. I get to learn how strong I really am, who my friends really are, but even better than both of those I get to learn who I am. I get to direct my own life and I get to chose how I handle all these awful things.

     Like Charlie, it has taken some great people to show me how great life can be and how good I can be. I really owe so much to my sweet Marty. He is the one person I know will never doubt me and will never criticize me when I feel bad. Instead he show me why I am good and he loves me through all the hurt. I cant even begin to express how grateful I am to him and all his help through the difficult times the last 11 months. Like Mr. Anderson from the movie and book says, "We accept the love we think we deserve." Its been a long time coming, but I finally feel like I deserve to be loved and cherished.

     If you are having a hard time, know that your not alone. I often think that no one will understand the pain I feel and I hide it. All I can say is stop it. Pray and talk about it to those you trust. Read about others experiences. But no matter what, don't give up. This life isn't easy, but when we learn to endure and rely on others for help, it becomes a beautiful journey.