"You're not a sad story. You're Alive"

     If you haven't read or seen The Perks of Being a Wallflower, I highly suggest you do so. I read the book quite awhile back and I also saw the film when it came out. My sweet fiancé bought both the novel and the film for me for my birthday. I still need to reread the book, but upon watching the movie a couple times since I received it, I was completely touched. Never in my life has a book or film touched me in this way and that's saying something because I've read a lot of books and seen a lot of movies. This story is beautiful and it fits into my life so seamlessly. I am about to share with you some of the hardest times in my life. I wont go into to lots of details, but what I am going to write is very personal and hard. I neglect writing about it or talking about it because at times, it still rips me apart insides and makes me hurt more than I thought possible. I hope that through my sharing you, too, can find peace and comfort through hard times.


    My life hasn't been easy, and even that makes is sound nice. I know pain so deep that I could hardly move. I know what it feels like to be made fun of, to be bullied, to be alone, and to feel abandoned. I know what its like to fall asleep with tears in your eyes and the doubts of not being able to make it another day floating around in your head. I know what it feels like to be pushed and prodded because you're and easy target. I know what it feels like to watch your family fall apart. I know what it feels like to watch people you love fall apart.  I know how badly life can hurt.
     In my life, I have always struggled at making good friends. For some reason I always tend to be friends with people who belittled me and made me feel like they were better than me. Why I did this to myself I will never know, but I did. I remember one instance where someone was questioning why I was talking to another girl. They didn't know I was listening but her response was, "Its because neither of them have any friends," I was hurt. Here was a girl I looked up to that had no respect for me as a person. I continued to hear little biting comments her and her friends would make about me. I didn't see it at the time, but there was a small scale of emotional bullying going on. Even to my face, they would correct every little thing about me and always tell me that I wasn't good enough. I would hide the hurt form everyone, even my family because I didn't want them to know how hard it was. I didn't want people to know that people didn't like me and that they were mean. Still, I endured and tried to be nice because I thought that was right. Turns out, I was wrong.
    I have many times been the backlash of other peoples hurt feelings or anger. I watched people I loved and who I thought were supposed to love me lash out on me like I was an awful human being. I have made plenty of mistakes just like everyone else but I was and sometimes still am under constant attack for trying to do my best. I have been pushed to my limits many times simply because I wasn't doing what they thought I should or what they wanted me to do. I watched my self esteem dwindle down to almost nothing as I tried and tired to pick myself back up every time they pushed me down. It was exhausting and I was losing terribly.
     At one point I didn't only have others working against me, but I had myself; and I still do have both of these forces working against me. I constantly pick at myself. If someone thinks less of me or says something rude, I think its my fault and that I deserve the harsh treatment. When I feel bad, I feel worse because I feel bad that I feel bad. I feel a constant need to apologize for being myself and doing what I want to with my life. I always feel like I am walking on eggshells to please others because I don't want to offend anyone. Really though, someone will always be offended by your choices.
     Lately, it seems to have been getting worse. For a short period I thought I had a grasp on things only to regress back to how I used to be. I worry a lot about things I cant control and I always blame myself when others chose to speak unkind words to or about me or when they act harshly towards me. Its easy to fall into this trap, isn't it? I know what I'm feeling is bad because I know God loves us. Yes, we will feel sad and defeated no matter what but when we feel like we are worthless, that is Satan speaking to us. However, most of the time I don't know how to stop it. I find myself feeling so inadequate that I cry and hurt because I feel like its my fault I'm being treated this way. As hard as it is, I know deep down that I'm not. How others choose to treat me is reflection of them and not of myself. How others chose to act is not my fault. If you are being treated poorly and unkindly for no apparent reason, its not your fault either.

This relates so much to the story I talked about earlier.

    The protagonist, Charlie, has also had a pretty terrible life. He has been coping with depression and at one point even tried to take his own life. He has even been sexually abused by his aunt which he hides form his family. When she dies, he feels responsible for her death because she was going to buy his birthday present and also because he wanted her to die. Although my life hasn't been this bad, I can relate. In the end, Charlie says something absolutely beautiful.

 

    

 

     When I heard this line, a huge light clicked on for me. Isn't it amazing how we get answers to prayers in the least expected ways? Suddenly I realized that even though all these awful things have happened to me, I'm still alive. I also realized that its ok to feel this way. Its not my fault that I've had a rough road with the things my family has gone through and its not my fault when people choose to be mean to me. I cant control that. To heal, I have to feel the hurt but I have to cope with it and learn to recover. I need to rely on my loved ones and my Heavenly Father to help me carry this burden I've been given. I'm not my experiences and I get to chose who I want to be. I have come a long way with myself, but I still have such a long ways to go. But its ok because I get to learn. I get to learn how strong I really am, who my friends really are, but even better than both of those I get to learn who I am. I get to direct my own life and I get to chose how I handle all these awful things.

     Like Charlie, it has taken some great people to show me how great life can be and how good I can be. I really owe so much to my sweet Marty. He is the one person I know will never doubt me and will never criticize me when I feel bad. Instead he show me why I am good and he loves me through all the hurt. I cant even begin to express how grateful I am to him and all his help through the difficult times the last 11 months. Like Mr. Anderson from the movie and book says, "We accept the love we think we deserve." Its been a long time coming, but I finally feel like I deserve to be loved and cherished.

     If you are having a hard time, know that your not alone. I often think that no one will understand the pain I feel and I hide it. All I can say is stop it. Pray and talk about it to those you trust. Read about others experiences. But no matter what, don't give up. This life isn't easy, but when we learn to endure and rely on others for help, it becomes a beautiful journey.

20 Reasons Why 20 Will be the Greatest Year Yet

   So to start off this post, I want to thank everyone for all the birthday fun and birthday wishes! I had a great weekend and I feel so blessed. This weekend was crammed to the max with fun (and unhealthy food) for my birthday. My cute fiancé, Marty was able to come down to West Jordan to celebrate with me and I was ecstatic. Friday, I drove up from Cedar City. I met my grandparents at their home. They treated me to a delicious Peruvian lunch and great company. I love my cute grandparents and it was so fun to spend some time with them. That night, I went with Marty and my siblings out to a pizza dinner with my dad and then we watched a movie. That was also super fun. On Saturday I celebrated with my mom. We went to lunch at Panda, The Sweet Tooth Fairy and also the Waffle Love truck. So much fun! Sunday was much less demanding but sad because I had to return home. Its always hard to come back after an enjoyable weekend.

 

 

 

 

 In celebration of my 20 years of life, I compiled a list that I wanted to share with you all.

20 Reasons why 20 will be the Greatest Year Yet
1. I get to get married! In just 82 stinking days, I get to marry my sweetheart.
2. I get to move out (again) but this time with the most awesome roommate of my choice. ;)
3. Marty and I get to go to Las Vegas for our honeymoon.
4. I get to start my last year of college! Holy smokes that crazy.
5. The epidemic of the small uncomfortable bed will be defeated. In other words, I get to leave my awful apartment bed.
6. No more long distance for Marty and me. Thank-freaking-goodness.
7. I get to look for a job! Ok, so looking isn't great, but I am excited to start working again.
8. During this year I wont have to take ANY general education courses at school.
9. I'm transferring (yet again) to a new university and I am pretty dang excited for it!
10. I get to change my last name,
11. I'm going to have the opportunity to read all sorts of lovely books through my last year of schooling.
12. As a wife, I'm going to develop my cooking skills. (I might even be able to convince that eating healthy can actually be yummy.)
13. Marty and I will be able to start developing our own traditions for us and our future family.
14. I get to be a newlywed. I get to learn all about (or at least some) being married and also, we get to live as minimalists. Yay for being newly married!
15. I get to write. I have made it a goal to develop my blog into something more successful and also to become a published writer. I get to use this year to keep practicing and developing my skills.
16. I will finally be able to see Marty every single day.
17. I get to live as a married student. Hard yes, but guys, I get to snuggle while I read and write papers. If that's not perfect, I don't know what is.
18. I get to enjoy life more through divorcing social media. Ok, I know that this is basically social media and no, I'm not deleting my Facebook and instagram. I'm just going to try and spend less time on them so I can be more fully present in my life and in the world.
19. I get to move away from Cedar City which means no more 3 hours drives 2-3 times a month.
20. I get to work on becoming a better version of myself physically, emotionally, and spiritually.

 I have a feeling that 20 is going to be the best year yet!

Simple Beauties

     Anyone who knows me knows how much I adore Zooey Deschanel. (She's gorgeous, lovely, funny, brilliant, and talented- What's not to love?) I found this quote about a year ago and it really touched my heart. It seemed so absolutely applicable and even now this quote fits into and inspires my life. Its simply amazing.

 
     I can't say enough how amazing my life is, and how breath-taking the world we live in is. Recently my life has been changing faster than I can think. The life I used to be apart of has moved on and I have taken on a much better and more beautiful life. Its no surprise that one of the biggest changes coming my way is my upcoming marriage to my incredible fiancé. Its easy to be overwhelmed and stressed about everything (especially because I have such an anxious and high-stress personality), but I am trying to take in every little detail and second and enjoy. When you realize that you will never get to experience this part of your life again, you realize that you should take in every single tiny thing that you can. Life will suddenly become less mundane and you will realize how beautiful your life is; you will realize how wonderfully blessed you really are.
     This last weekend I was lucky enough to go wedding dress shopping. It may be silly of cliché, but I have dreamed about that day since I was little. I always pictured a gorgeous dress to wear on my perfect wedding day. With the first dress I tried one, I became a bit overwhelmed with emotions and got a bit teary eyed. I was embarrassed, but I was just so excited. Seeing myself in a wedding dress made me so excited for my wedding and was exciting because I had always dreamed of that day. I felt so beautiful and so blessed. It was a lovely day. (p.s. we found a beautiful dress. I can't wait to wear it (: )
     I bring this up because I feel it correlates directly with this quote. Why do we as people dismiss emotions for nothing or much less than they are? To some it may seem weak to weep over a wedding dress, but as a true expression why should it be suppressed? This is not only true for women, but of men too. I truly believe that true strength comes through vulnerability. Vulnerability happens when we let down our walls and let go of "social norms" to express or act in the ways that are true and personal to us. It is hard to do this, but I honestly believe that by doing so, we become stronger and more in tune with ourselves and others. Not only that, but we are blessed beyond measure with a stunning world and opportunities. We should never take it for granted. So go ahead, gawk at the pretty beach or cry when you hear a beautiful poem. This world is ours, and your life is what you make it. When we are surrounded with such beauty and experience bliss, why shouldn't we enjoy it fully? Wait don't answer, its a trick question. The answer is that we should.
     For my fiction class, we are required to keep a writers notebook. In this, we write images, experiences, or anything else that moves us or makes us think in any way. Now, you don't have to carry it around like I do, but I would encourage you to try keeping a journal specifically for images and experiences that touch your soul or inspire you. We have so many beautiful sights and memories, so we might as well let them touch us to our bones and experience them with the fullness our abilities with the joyfulness intended for us.
     I love my simply beautiful life.

Why We Work

I saw another blogger post about why her relationship "worked" in the sprit of Valentine's Day and challenged others to do the same.

 I figured hey, why not? I love my cute fiancé and this just gives me another excuse to write about how great he is! Plus, I'm in the sappy "I'm getting married" part of life so he is my favorite thing to talk about, after all.

We work because he listens to me, no matter how dumb or irrational I am being.

We work because we communicate. Communication is huge for us as most of our relationship has been spent long distance. I trust that I can tell him absolutely anything.

 We work because he never tells me I'm wrong, he only points out a better way to think about things. (Which usually leads me to understand that I am, indeed, wrong.)

We work because he shares his candy with me.... trust me, this boy loooooves his sweets. It's a big deal.


We work because I cant get enough of his handsome little smirks and blue eyes.

We work because I catch him smiling at me for no reason and because I also love to look at him. He is the reason I am always smiling.

We work because we aren't afraid of feelings. Both of us are comfortable telling each other how we feel, good or bad.

We work because we ALWAYS make each other our first priority. Even almost 6 hours apart, we always make time for each other. Also on that note, thank goodness for Skype! (:


We work because he holds my hand in the car.

We work because we think all the same silly things are funny, and he is the only person who almost always laughs at my jokes. I'm really not that funny, but Marty always thinks I am.

We work cause we make ugly and silly faces at each other for fun.

We work because we never stop laughing. We can be doing absolutely nothing, and we always ending up laughing and having the time of our lives.

 We work because he always lets me try his more yummy dinner when I order something of the healthier variety.

We work because we laugh at each others quirks.

We work because he laughs at my goofy lazy eye and I laugh about his sleepy faces. (Seriously though, this boy kills me with his early morning faces. They are stinking adorable!)

We work because he doesn't laugh at me when beautiful words or things move me to tears. Instead he smiles and squeezes my hand or pulls me close.

We work because he watches all my favorite chick flicks with me as long as I watch his favorite action movies with him.

We work because he lets me read when we snuggle.

We works because when I fall asleep on him, he doesn't move, even when his arms are asleep.

We work because we are grateful for each other. We know that meeting was not coincidence we are grateful to our Heavenly Father for bringing us together.

We work because we both make mistakes. Neither of us are perfect, but we always seem to love each other through the mistakes and hard times.

We work because I'm overly sensitive, and he is more reasonable with his feelings.

We work because he makes fun of all the clothes I have, and I make fun of all the guns he has. He goes shopping with me and I go shooting with him.

We work because we love each other more than anything, and it only continues to grow.

I hope you enjoyed my cheesy post and also learned a bit about our relationship (: I challenge you to make your own list- to post or to share with your significant other. Happy Valentine's Day! Especially to that cute boy I'm writing about- Love you, babe!

Hair Growth: Month One

     First off, I need to apologize for my extreme lack of new posts. I am not the greatest at this blogging thing yet but I am hoping I will improve over time (:

     As many of you know, I have this awful habit of growing out my hair then chopping it all off quite drastically. Then, I regret it and try really really hard to grow it back out. Its like one long and dangerous cycle that seriously never ends. Unfortunately for me, I am in the awkward stages of wanting to grow my hair out and trying all sorts of new ways to make it healthy and strong. So, here goes nothing. I am going to keep a monthly update on my hair, what I am doing to it, and how quickly it is growing. I'm hoping that by sharing my success (at least I hope that will be the result) of hair growth that I will be more responsible in my choices of chopping it off spontaneously.



Month One
-Shampoo and Conditioner: Mane N Tail Original
-Treatments: Organic virgin coconut oil
-Eliminated blow drying
-minimized straightening and curling
-trying to eliminate teasing and excess brushing/combing












Measurements:
From middle part to longest point- 17 inches.
   

     I've been researching hair growth like crazy and these things plus a healthy diet and plenty of water seem to be working for people. However, Mane n Tail doesn't work for everyone because it does contain sulfates. I personally try to avoid sulfates because they strip the natural oils of your hair. However, this shampoo only contains one and also contains something to counteract the sulfate so it doesn't strip your hair. (or so their website says in much more scientific terms) I've been using the shampoo for a little less than a month and my hair is really soft and shiny so it seems to work for me. Usually when I use sulfate shampoos I have to wash my hair everyday because it gets greasy faster but I can still go my usual 2-3 days between washes with this shampoo. Its not drying out my hair either- but I think some of that is because I use coconut oil once a week. I will make another post in about a month similar to this one with measurements on how the growing process is going. If you have any awesome hair tips fell free to leave them in the comments. Until next time.... (: